Multiple Deaths
by talking-eye
Summary: How they deal with the idea of death. Mer, Addy, Richard, BANG eventually. Revised and updated.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I started this story back in summer, when Addison was still married to Derek, Burke wasn't shot, and George's father wasn't dead. I'm now picking it up and have changed some stuff to fit the current timeline, but it is still largely in AU.

**Multiple Deaths**

_We witness life, we witness death, day in, day out. But mostly, life outnumbers death. In our first year, they taught us to distance ourselves from the patient before we cry our eyes out. In our second year, we learn to break the news of death in a blink of an eye. What they never taught us is how to deal with deaths of people we know—close or distant._

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**Ch. 1**

"I'm fine."

Before Cristina got a chance to show her rare moment of camaraderie concern, Meredith muttered what everyone would want to hear but not believe in.

"She's too far gone. It's better this way."

"Right. I wouldn't have cared if my own mother died." Immediately Cristina caught herself saying the wrong thing.

While both Cristina and Meredith did not get along with the woman they called _mother_, Meredith's love for Ellis Grey was deeper than many would have thought.

"I'm sorry, Mer."

"Don't. It's over."

Cristina shrugged as her friend walked off. First it was George's father and now Meredith's mom.

Her body was still, but inside Cristina shuddered at those five dreadful letters—d-e-a-t-h.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Everyone at Seattle Grace knew it was a time of mourning. Izzie was slowing getting over with her fallen fiancé; George was recovering from losing his dad at an alarmingly quick pace. But when Ellis Grey fell, everyone fell with her.

Except Meredith. The intern who was upset merely by the fact that she was wearing the same pair of shoes as a rape victim was the same intern who stuck her hand into the bomb guy's chest. This very intern who weak as a falling leaf was the same intern who did not shed a single tear—very much unlike George.

The only person who actually couldn't stop pounding his heart and being teary-eyed was Richard Webber. He knew she was losing the battle, he knew she would never be his, but the fact that she was gone forever struck him hard. He wanted to hold her fragile body again and tell her how he never forgot her and her aggressively gentle embrace from behind. Yet, as the Chief, as a married man, and as Meredith's boss, he couldn't.

Life was full of irony. Just when he thought he could retire and rekindle his love for Adele, the only true love in his life decided to play a final trick on him by leaving him for one final time.

"Richard, I need to get this signed." The vulnerability in Richard's eyes made Preston Burke feel uneasy.

"Preston, you knew it, didn't you?" Without looking up from the papers, Richard asked in a quiet voice.

Preston was much better than his girlfriend at consoling others, but talking to his boss about Ellis Grey would be a taboo. Placing one hand on his hip and another scratching his forehead, Preston tried to come up with an intelligent reply. "You loved her."

"I did, and I probably still do."

Preston nodded, recalling how Richard begged him to get a biopsy of Ellis the day Cristina collapsed in the OR.


	2. Chapter 2

"Burke, will you go to the funeral?" Cristina asked as she threw herself onto the upper deck in the on-call room.

"Yes. Why?"

"I dunno. I don't want to go."

"Grey's your friend." Burke closed his book and frowned a little.

"I don't know how to deal with that." Cristina sighed.

"You talked to O'Malley."

_And she also lied on the bathroom floor with Izzie._ Cristina knew she wasn't completely incapable of dealing with death, but with Meredith it was different.

It wasn't like losing Liz Fallon. It wasn't like seeing a friend lost his father. Her best friend losing her mother—the death of a mother—was very unsettling.

"Mer and her mother were not close." Cristina took the book away from Burke and squinted her eyes feeling perplexed.

"Family always means something. Who gets to judge if she's close to her mother or not?" Burke felt uncomfortable talking about Ellis Grey, especially after witnessing how Richard broke down.

"If you're going, I will." Cristina slid off the bed, "Rounds."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Meredith wasn't sure if she was sad. She wanted to talk to someone about her mother. She thought of calling her dad or going to the Chief, but the Ellis Grey they knew was not the mother she had, the one who frightened and inspired at the same time. George would listen, but he just lost his father. _He wasn't half as strong as she was, how could she depend on him for emotional support?_

"I'm sorry to hear—"Addison called out from behind. Meredith didn't really hate Addison as a person, but she couldn't forget the fact that it was the same woman who saved her niece's life. Her half-sister's daughter.

"I'm fine, Addison. I really am."

"My dad had Alzheimer's. It wasn't easy—" Addison's gentle pat on the shoulder was surprisingly comforting, "seeing a person fade away like the autumn leaves."

"Thanks." Meredith opened her mouth slightly but words failed to come through. 

For the very first time, the two women felt connected, not through the lame and indecisive He-Sheppard, but death—the thing that normally divides instead of binds.


	3. Chapter 3

The funeral was of a much smaller scale than anyone would have thought. Many people were hoping to pay their last respects, but Meredith turned them away. She was scared her mother's house, her house, would turn into a chaotic party place. She didn't want a re-run of Izzie's nightmarish party just a year ago.

"You look tired." The warmth in Cristina's eyes was in stark contrast to the emptiness in Meredith's.

"If there's anything…uh…Burke and I could do, let us know." Cristina was glad her best friend wasn't paying much attention to what she said, for she was mildly disgusted by the way how she was using her boyfriend.

_Burke had nothing to do with Meredith. He wasn't her best friend. _By putting him in the same sentence, it didn't make her sound more supportive—it only showed the lack of total commitment she gave as Meredith's best friend./

"Thank you, Cristina." Meredith managed a cordial smile before walking away with an empty pitcher to the living room.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Richard nodded slyly as he took off his hat to greet his underling. It was a far more draining experience than he had imagined, seeing the woman he once loved falter and perish. Her fiery eyes were shut, not in eager anticipation of his kiss, but death's welcoming embrace.

"She must have been a remarkable woman." Standing beside him, Burke silently added.

"She was." Richard's eyes remained fixated on the cold, powdery face before looking up. "Sometimes, Cristina Yang reminds me of Ellis."

Burke's raised his eyebrows betrayed his attempt to conceal his interest. After everything they had been through, merely hearing his girlfriend's name was enough to evoke in him a very intimate feeling. "Really?"

"Always trying to get ahead, pushing others and themselves to the brink, making you think they're unbreakable. Until, until one day, you realize their heart could be as fragile as their porcelain-like face."  
_  
The man's love for Ellis Grey was painfully strong._ Both of them started off with a forbidden love, but Preston Burke knew he was much more fortunate than Richard Webber—He still had a lifetime to shower his love upon Cristina.

He knew he could not bear to lose her, physically or emotionally.


	4. Chapter 4

"My life wouldn't be any different if my mother died." Without looking into Burke's face, Cristina fastened the seatbelt.

The hands on the steering wheel froze. "Why can't you say something nicer, Cristina? Why can't you support Grey the way you supported O'Malley?"

_Because it was different._ Meredith was her best friend. They were supposed to team up against their mothers. Instead, Meredith held her grudge against her father when Cristina didn't have one to hate.

"Let's not talk about it." Cristina turned her head to the read mirror.  
"I know you don't like your mother, but this isn't what Grey needs to know now." Burke shook his head. "Imagine something happens to Helen, how would you feel?"

The question was sharp as a blade. Cristina didn't intend to be the human dictionary, but it annoyed her that she couldn't come up with even one single adjective to describe her feelings.

"Burke. We just had this very long conversation about my father a few months ago, can we not repeat that?"

The stubbornness on her lips made Burke's heart ache. _Maybe he shouldn't have touched on that sensitive issue. Maybe they really should never talk about death again._

The question was, could he live with a woman who showed zero love for her mother, when his Mama meant the entire world to him?

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"I think Meredith should join our club," George put his hand on Cristina's locker and stopped her from walking away. "You should talk to her."

"Why should I be the one?" Tying her hair up with the rubber band, Cristina tried to sound as puzzled as she could be.

"What's wrong with you, Cristina? I thought you'd understand. I thought WE all understand."

_If only she could understand or explain it._ Her behavior was unacceptable even to herself—she was there to tell George how the sadness of losing a parent would never change, yet she could not bring herself to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Meredith this time.

_Why did everyone have to blame her for being insensitive?_ Cristina was always taking that extra mile for her friends, but this only time when she didn't feel fit to do so, everyone was running after her, telling her how bad a friend she was.

"Fine. I'll talk to her." Cristina slammed the locker door. Alex and Izzie stared at her in bewilderment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Ch. 5**

Nobody saw the guilt that was stalking Cristina along the corridor.

She poured her heart out when George lost his father, but the situation was much more awkward as she now sat beside Meredith on a gurney.

When she learned her father died at the age of 9, Cristina was sad. Twenty years later when she thought about it, her nose still felt tender and sore. But the more the grief slowly crept up from her long buried memory, the harder it was for her to empathize.

_It was not just about death. It was a breach of loyalty, an issue about taking sides._

"I felt for my father the way you felt for your mother." It was a stunted beginning of a conversation, but Cristina tried.

"I know." Meredith stared blankly at the wall. "But you don't like your mother."

"I don't like my mother." Cristina repeated.

"What if she dies?"

"What if Thatcher dies?"

Silence took over the scene. It was a question Cristina wanted to retract.

"Is it wrong to love one parent more than the other?" Meredith jumped off the gurney and curled down on the floor.

"My mother didn't let me see him when his ship hit the rock."

"You think I love my mother more than my dad, Cristina? I don't."

"She's a selfish person. I can't be close to her. It's like betraying my father's love."

"The point is, I was never close to either of them, Cristina. Neither my mother, nor Thatcher."

They were trapped in their own little universe.

"And I feel guilty, Cristina. I feel guilty." Meredith snatched her best friend's hand and laid her head on top of it.

_Perhaps somebody should stop them, but there was no better way to talk to Meredith than that._

"Your father and my mother, they're not the same," Meredith mumbled. "You lost somebody who loved you. I lost somebody whom I was trying very hard to love all my life."

Shivering a little, Cristina finally uttered, "That's why you're guilty?"

"Maybe."

_Meredith was not only losing a parent. She was also guilty. Very guilty._ It baffled Cristina that the guilt in a friend could be more daunting than guilt within herself.

"Why?" Cristina wrapped her hands around her chin.

"I wanted her to die. I didn't know how to love a woman who didn't seem to care when I was young and who couldn't care anymore when I was no longer a child. And then she died. It wasn't sudden. It was really slow. But I wished her dead and now she's gone."

"It's not your fault."

"Doesn't have to be my fault to make me feel terrible."

Both women shut their eyes and felt an unfathomable sense of remorse surging beneath their skin.

_What if Helen died? Would she feel the same?_ Cristina lied down on the gurney with a grimace.


	6. Chapter 6

**Ch. 6  
**The smell of food was supposed to excite her, but tonight Cristina was barely touching her salad. Burke shifted his gaze between the plate and her face, waiting in vain for her to say something.

"Yes?" Cristina was puzzled by his penetrating gaze.

"You've been quiet."

Touching the greens with the back of her fork, Cristina forced a smile. "I'm a quiet person."

"How's Grey doing?" Burke tried not to look directly at her.

"She's ok. It takes time to heal."

"It's not easy. There's no greater thing than a mother's love."

Cristina nearly dropped her fork in the midst of mild agitation. "Not everybody is as close to his mom as you are. Meredith and I only have half a mother in our life. You'll never understand."

Burke stopped eating and gave her a thorough and severe glance. It's as if he's going to scold her for acting like a deceitful child.

"Ok. Fine. Meredith's upset, but it's not that simple, Burke. It's not that simple." Cristina stood up, ready to leave the table.

"Love is never simple."

"What if it isn't love?" Cristina grinded her teeth. _What if it was hatred, contempt, and guilt?_

"Maybe it's been overlooked. I'm sure Meredith loves her mother. It won't help her if you're so bitter about it."

"Meredith wanted her mother to die. That's why she's devastated." Cristina's voice was as cold as ice.

"That doesn't mean she didn't love Ellis Grey," Burke paused. "I am sure there's a part of you who loves Helen the way you loved your father."

That final remark shut Cristina up.

Burke quickly finished the food on his plate and walked towards the couch where Cristina was sitting.

The silence was awkward. Burke wasn't sure if it was the right time, but he was dying to share it with Cristina.

"There was a time when I wished my Mama would die; a time when I thought she would die."

The calmness in Burke's voice startled Cristina. All she could do was to stare at her man with a million questions exploding inside her head.


	7. Chapter 7

**Ch. 7  
**Sitting side by side, Burke tactfully laced his arm over Cristina's shoulders as she curled up in the couch.

There knew they were a couple that coped better without words.

The residual shock in Burke's candid statement still permeated the staleness in the room. Cristina was hungry for the story, although she dared not ask. It was beyond her intelligent mind how the Mama's boy would have ever wanted his mother dead.

"It isn't what you thought, but probably close enough." Burke rubbed his nose and continued. "My Mama is a strong-willed woman. She's been very hard on herself and my father. But we sort of encouraged it I guess, and things grew out of control."

A mixture of curiosity and confusion continued to flush through Cristina's body.

"I can never imagine losing my Mama, although we almost lost her to cancer when I was a kid."

Gloom obscured Burke's face, even though it had been such a long time. _It's as if he's reliving his childhood horror._

It would be a lie to say that Cristina had anything more than a sense of civility towards Jane Burke, but as her man revealed his past with such tender openness, she couldn't resist moving her head closer to his heart, just like what she did when Eugene Foote died.

"So, yes, Cristina, I know how you felt about your father when he passed away, even though I never told you about my mother last time. I know how hard it is for a child to imagine losing a parent."

"But didn't you just say you wanted her dead?"

"Partly because she was a strong woman and it broke our heart seeing her losing her hair, her brow, and everything she held dearly to, partly because she was so obsessed with the remaining control she had over her life and her family that it led to something really unfortunate."

"What do you mean?" Cristina sat up straight and tightened her brows.

"We didn't stop her when she grew excessively suspicious and jealous over anyone who tried to help." Burke clasped his hands and lowered his head. "All we wanted was to please her, considering she might die any day."

"But she didn't die."

"No. But when my dad's secretary Josephine died, I really did wonder why my Mama wasn't."

To that, Cristina felt completely lost. _Things were never what they seemed. It's hard to believe the loving 3-people family she saw at Burke's hospital bed had been through that much trauma in the past._


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: This story is going a little out of control. I will not be updating it again until I have something that makes more sense to me... Sorry :(

**Ch. 8  
**Jogging wasn't Cristina's favorite pastime, but for Meredith's sake, they had been jogging every morning after the funeral of Ellis Grey.

"Burke loves his mother."

"That isn't news to me, Cristina."

"His Mama had cancer."

Pushing herself up with both hands, Meredith sounded concerned, "Is she Ok?"

"Oh yes. It's a long time ago. He only told me the other day."

"Maybe he wanted you to see where his mother's coming from, so that you'll grow to like her more"

"I don't know if I could love someone who pushed another innocent woman down to hell."

_If there was anything Cristina could take comfort in after Burke's self disclosure, it was the fact that no family was picture-perfect._

Cristina found it hard to believe that Burke's mother got his dad's secretary into a scandal only because she thought Josephine was trying to steal her husband's heart. It was a complicated story Burke didn't elaborate on, but from his tone, Cristina could vividly see how Jane Burke was capable of breaking a woman, even when she's at her lowest point physically.

"Well, some day, if she becomes your mother-in-law…" Meredith grabbed a small patch of grass off the ground and lamented, "Sometimes I am jealous you still have a mother, maybe even getting another one some day."

Cristina brushed off the curls hiding her forehead and didn't know what more to say.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The sonogram in his hand did not stop his mind from getting distracted. Burke found it hard to concentrate at work after talking to Cristina the night before. He was trying to be supportive but ended up re-experiencing the same ambivalence he had many years ago.

Burke tried very hard to recall how the event had scarred his childhood, although nobody at home seemed to remember it anymore.

Sometimes it hurt to see how docile his father was, even after his mother completely lost her sensible self, weeping and calling up everyone in their neighborhood, telling them how her husband was having an affair with his secretary, who was nothing more than a whore.

_Burke could not bear to lose his Mama, but he knew how destructive she could be when driven by her overbearing love._

Putting the medical charts away, Burke took off his glasses and sighed.

_It really wasn't about death or the fear of death after all; it was about mothers._

The death of Ellis Grey made him question his relationship with his Mama once more, and how the equilibrium was disturbed by adding Cristina into the formula.

_It was an existential rather than practical question, but if some day he could only save one woman, which one would he pick?_


End file.
